The big manager struts into a meeting. Let’s just imagine it is a project meeting, but it could be any sort of meeting - a construction project, a boardroom, a backyard barbeque or a Mafia meeting.
He might thump the table and first say something which he thinks sounds authoritative, like “Right. Let’s get on with this.” His posture also says: Raah. I am the boss. Look at my Dominance. This terrain is mine. My Dominance is serious. No space for namby-pambiness on my watch.
Many people conflate Authority with Dominance. Authority comes in many flavours: being an early entrant into the group, being expert or particuarly clever or articulate, being taller and stronger, being higher caste or upper class, even being better looking. Often Authority starts by being the one who is brave enough to speak for the group. Mostly, Authority grows inside a person incrementally, day by day; every time they get the feeling of “I know this” or “I could just about do this”, a small authority gets a little bit of water, a little bit of sunshine, and it might put out another tiny little leaf. A good strong Authority is lush and fruitful, and protective of others and the broader community. And yes, a big Authority does cast a shadow: when a mature Authority has a large canopy, it is difficult for the seedling of someone else’s little authority to get the sunlight it needs.
Dominance is another type of creature entirely. Its larval stage is spent in forced submission. The larvae watches, learns, and stores up all the techniques it will need later for making people submit. It learns how to use tactical non-listening to make others feel less significant; how to use posture, stance, eye contact, geographical space, and vocal techniques to imply its barely-suppressible latent dominant power, and how to flare into full-blown aggression both theatrically and (if well-taught) not too destructively. When Dominance hatches, it acts reflexively to protect the vulnerable points of the person to whom it belongs. When the person inside gets the feeling of ‘this is too scary, too hard, it’s beyond me’, Dominance leaps into the space, provides armour plating and covering fire, and later claims to have saved the day.
Dominance frames internal uncertainty as a battle zone, and not as an opportunity for curiosity - but Dominance typically does try to avoid ‘total war’; it does want to be able to claim some kind of spoils at the end of the battle.
So back to that manager.
Thump the fist on the table. Declare, “Right. Let’s get on with this.” Which translates as ‘I am not sure I can do this, it is scary. Maybe the stakes are high, and I fear losing. Maybe I'm out of my depth. But my current working plan is to bluster through, hide my fearfulness, and make everyone else feel more scared or less important than me.’
So what can you do when you walk into a meeting like this, and someone’s Dominance is rattling its carapace?
This is what I do.
Hold steady. Do not let your own Dominance engage theirs in combat, and at the same time do not let their Dominance force you to submit. A standoff can be a good outcome for a pair of male mountain goats.
Hold on to your Authority, and understand the limits of it - and the full extent of it. Feel its reach and protection. Publicly admit to its limits! Practice the art of clearly declaring when things are within or outside its reach.
You can sometimes try to make tentative contact with the person inside the Dominance shield, who is hiding in there because they fear that things are too scary or too hard. Use humour, or generate a rumbling group consensus to help them feel less alone, or make out of context contact over something else. Aim for a state of in-this-togetherness with them.
Be aware of the possibility that the person inside the Dominance shield might really, actually, not be enough to get you all out of the mess. They maynot have the protective and nourishing Authority that the group needs. Here the Dominance will need to move aside for someone better-equipped, or the group will need to grow a team Authority, not rely on the dominant leader.
And also be aware that such a Dominance on such a hair-trigger does not stand down easily, not ever while its owner feels unsafe. And it will probably try to claim credit for any later group success too.
You might also control the Dominance with reminders about social norms and manners. Every community sets behavioural boundaries which ensure some level of predictable limits to what can and can't be done or said in context. There is an incentive in that rule-breakers may be banished from the group. An activated Dominance might well push those limits, using implicit or explicit threat to force submission. You can remind the community of their power to bring that Dominance into line.
Someone might want to explain this to the Republican party right now...
